


and no one knows it, but he saved me

by translevi



Series: i've known you since before i was alive [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Past Lives, Platonic Cuddling, Suicide Attempt, Teen Angst, Trans Auruo, Trans Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Trans Male Character, auruo plays flappy bird, sad and gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 06:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8568592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/translevi/pseuds/translevi
Summary: The wind dies down again and slowly he rises to his feet, the fear that had bloomed within him earlier fades as he stands out alone. There is no safety net here, and a minimal chance of survival, if he falls it’s over.If he jumps it’s over.It’s over.





	

**Author's Note:**

> idk i wanted to write some leviruo angst
> 
> you should totally listen to hospital by lydia while reading this btw

The freezing wind cuts through him like ice, going through the thin layer of his jacket as if it wasn’t even there. His fingers are numb with it, shaking in time with the chattering of his teeth, clutching his phone in his hand like a lifeline. His legs tremble occasionally, he is too thin and too under-dressed to be out in the cold like he is. But he’s there anyways.

He can taste the saltwater in the air, the bridge empty. Aside from the howl of the wind, it was quiet out tonight. No stray cars making a trip late at night to cut through the drenching blackness of the night. Only the stray streetlights spread far and few cut through the night, illuminating empty roads on either side of the bridge.

The cold metal rubs against his fingers uncomfortable, frigid steel biting through the numbness of shaky hands as he climbs over the too small barrier. There is nothing now separating him from a 200 foot drop into freezing water and rocks. His heart pounds in his ears and he can’t tell whether it’s from anticipation or fear.

He had left a note, tucked in between the screen and keyboard of his folded laptop, google still open to the location of the nearest bridge. It was standard stuff, really. _“I, Levi Ackerman, say this as my last will and testimony.”_ All official sounding, as if he wasn’t about to be another 16 year old on the news for committing suicide.

He knew how things like this worked, everyone hates you but the second you die they start giving tearful speeches about how good of a person you were. He didn’t want that. He’d rather they hate him from life into death.

Humans are idiots.

He’s snuck out before, so if either of his guardians were to peek in on him only his mother would really be worried. Kenny would speak up in his defense, _‘sometimes teenagers just need to angst by themselves’_ and he’d be expected back home by breakfast the next morning; lunch if it was a weekend.

He had chosen his laptop because it was out of the way enough that if they looked into his room they wouldn’t immediately see it, and he could remove it without worrying them if he chickened out.

A stray pebble skitters off the ledge as he rests his feet on it and he watches it fall until it blends into the darkness.

_…_

_…_

_…_

_Splash._

His hands grip the barrier behind him hard enough to hurt, metal digging into the flesh of his palms as the wind picks up again, threatening to blow him off before he is ready.

Would he sound like that if he fell?

Slowly he steps down forward more, leg shaking as he finds his footing on a small outcrop away from the barrier. With a deep breath of cold air that stings his lungs he lets go of the barrier behind him and drops to his knees on the outcrop, slowly sliding himself out onto it. Although the ledge behind him is just a few feet away, with the dizzying drop below him the distance very well could have been the world.

The wind dies down again and slowly he rises to his feet, the fear that had bloomed within him earlier fades as he stands out alone. There is no safety net here, and a minimal chance of survival, if he falls it’s over.

If he jumps it’s over.

It’s over.

He thinks of his uncle, of his mother, what they’d think of him; of his friends that he’s clung too, of Isabel and Farlan.

He thinks of that life of walls and man-eating monsters, of watching his closest friends be consumed by them, he thinks of everything.

Grey eyes close as he allows himself to tilt forward.

His phone rings.

He jerks back like he’s been burned, foot slipping off the edge and making him fall on his ass on the outcropping, survival instincts he had shut off roaring to life to make him _fucking move_. He scrambles back towards the ledge and over the barrier like he’s being chased, breath caught in his throat, eyes wide with the realization of what he _almost_ just did.

The cold no longer bothers him, body shaking with something entirely different now. He rests his back against the barrier, sitting on cold concrete and pulling his legs up to his chest, staring down at the ringing phone clutched to his chest.

Slowly he tilts the screen up, staring at the name on the screen.

_Auruo_

Of course.

Covering his mouth with his hand, he hesitates in answering to try and get his breathing under control before dragging the green little check mark across the screen and bringing the device up to his ear.

 _“Yeah?”_ He can only hope he sounds calm.

 _“Hey! I-- shit we’re you asleep you sound exhausted.”_ The static crackle to his voice grounds him; he’s still alive.

 _“No… I was,”_ about to kill myself _“-wandering… around.”_

 _“In this fucking weather?”_ He sounds stunned, exasperated.

Concerned.

_“Yeah.”_

The line is silent for awhile then, nerves creeping back onto him, prickling his spine.

_“But uh, what’d you need?”_

_“Right-- fuck, I, y’know those uh, the dreams?”_ Nightmares; memories. _“With the monsters, or whatever.”_

 _“Yeah.”_ Auruo remembers too. Most of their friend group remembers bits and pieces. Auruo and him remember the most.

_“I had another one- bad one-- shit this was dumb I’m sorry I’ll just-”_

_“I can come over, if you want.”_ They’re quiet again, and Levi isn’t sure if he’s offering to come over to calm down Auruo or himself.

_“I… yeah, yeah that’d be great.”_

_“Give me 15 minutes.”_

He ends the call as soon as he says it, biting back the scream echoing through his lungs before forcing himself to his feet and running away from the bridge as fast as his aching legs will carry him.

* * *

Auruo lives in a comfy but slightly run-down residential area, the type where all the neighbors know you and your favorite type of food. It’s homely, and it fits him and his family well. He goes in through the back garden, unhooking the white fence and stepping onto the cobblestone pathway that weaved from the gate, throughout Mrs. Bossard’s garden all the way to the back door.

He follows it carefully, past empty plots of dirt that he remembers from the summer before being full of life and different colors of fruits and vegetables.

This house is bigger than the apartment they had lived in before, a pay raise and a bonus had given them the foothold they needed to move out into their own place. He almost wants to laugh, thinking back to when Auruo had to share a room with his 2 oldest brothers. But fear still has an icy hand wrapped around his heart, and it is all he can do not to cry.

He can see the open window to Auruo’s room, curtains billowing out when the wind rushes in. Instead of waiting by the door, he moves to the left of it, grabbing familiar holds in the faded-white trellis along the side of the house and climbs up with practiced ease. This wouldn’t be the first night they had snuck in or out to see each other, and it wouldn’t be the last.

As soon as he can reach he pulls himself up onto the window ledge, rotating his body and pulling his legs inside, welcoming the hot air of the room. It’s dark, aside from the moonlight coming in from the window and Auruo’s phone. It’s all Levi can do to breath, repeating _‘it’s okay’_ in his head over and over, as if that will calm the stuttered race of his heartbeat.

Kicking off his shoes he drops down to the floor, pulling the window shut behind him and drawing the curtains closed. He hesitates briefly before tugging off his jacket, pants, and shirt; Auruo has seen him in less, he has no reason to be afraid right now.

He isn’t sure what’s fighting in him, be it dysphoria or the fact that he almost just died, but it hinders his movements, goosebumps rising on his skin where his own icy hands touch to yank off his binder before slipping his shirt back on. He doesn’t bother with his socks, moving over to the bed and pulling the blankets back, slipping under them into the warm spot Auruo had been sleeping in before he had woken up.

Auruo is on his side, precariously close to the edge of the bed; he’s fiddling with his phone, entranced by the bright screen as it charges, short cord proving to be a continuous nuisance. Still Levi slips closer to him, rolling onto his side to spoon the larger man, hands wrapping around his waist as he looks over his shoulder at the screen.

“Flappy bird isn’t cool anymore, y’know.”

Auruo snorts. “Erd got a new high score, so I have to beat him.”

“Fair enough.”

He rests his head on him, all too accustomed to using this man as a pillow, watching with unfocused eyes as he masterfully pilots the annoying, cunt of a bird through holes in equally annoying shitty green pipes.

He isn’t sure when his eyes shut, but they blink open later on to Auruo’s triumphant hiss of “eat shit, Erd.”

He muffles his own snort of amusement in his shoulder blades, nuzzling between them as the bright glare of Auruo’s phone screen turns to blackness. And then Levi is scooting  away, making more room for him on the bed as Auruo turns towards him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close, resting his chin on the top of his head.

Levi lets out a shuddering breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, breathing in the familiar scent of iron and fire, burning embers and hazelnut that comforted him more than Auruo would ever know. His own arm snakes around him, fisting the fabric of Auruo’s shirt against his back as he lets his eyes close.

A lifetime ago Auruo had looked at him while sobbing with snot running down his face, shaking in the severed hand of a monster and sworn that he’d follow him forever.

Maybe in this life, Levi can show him that same devotion.


End file.
